


bittersweet (but mostly sweet just for now)

by zukoandtheoc



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Recovery, Suicide Attempt, Trans Jared, and listened to it like five more times while writing, connor murphy the collective coping mechanism, fun fact: Finale started playing while I was writing the last paragraphs and I cried, i don't know what this is just take it and get out of my house, it's poetry disguised as prose, this is just me projecting, this isn't a story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 11:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12934185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zukoandtheoc/pseuds/zukoandtheoc
Summary: Happiness was Connor’s most complicated emotion.





	bittersweet (but mostly sweet just for now)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thelittlemerms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelittlemerms/gifts).



> this is partially an apology for not updating "i just wish we could have given that to him" last week, and partially me just having complicated feelings and projecting them onto fictional characters lmao
> 
> I wrote this on my tablet in between classes at school and did nothing resembling editing, so yeah

This feeling wasn’t going to last.

Connor knew this. He knew this as intimately as he knew the light in Evan’s eyes when he talked about trees; he knew this as well as he knew the crinkle of Jared’s nose when he cracked up laughing at a sly comment Connor made.

Happiness was Connor’s most complicated emotion.

He was supposed to be getting better. He _was_ getting better. The antidepressants were working; the coping methods he was learning in therapy were working. He’d been clean of self harm for a month and clean of drugs for twice that. He was being civil with his parents and with Zoe. He had two loving, supportive boyfriends and most importantly of all, Connor was _trying_.

That didn’t mean things were perfect. Things weren’t even okay most of the time. He still had bad days, and the bad days felt so much worse now that he knew what good days felt like.  
But today was a good day, and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to make the most of it.

Today, Connor wasn’t going to think about the bottle of pills in the cabinet over the sink, or worry about making sure his long sleeves covered his wrists. Today he was going to take his boyfriends to A La Mode. He was going to coax that smile out of Evan with ice cream and kisses, and he was going to make sure Jared knew just how handsome he was. Then the three of them would go to the old abandoned orchard, and Evan would light up under the sunshine and the trees, and Jared would make a fool of himself just to see his boyfriends laugh, and Connor would let himself forget about the rest of the world just for a moment.

It wouldn’t last, Connor knew. Happiness never lasted for them. Something always came along to steal the good times away. Evan would have a panic attack in class. Jared’s stepfather would slip up and call him the wrong name again. Connor would lash out at something his sister said.

Things weren’t going to be okay forever.

But they were okay, even good, just for now. And even if it didn’t last, Connor was starting to believe that things would be okay again.


End file.
